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The Christmas Tree is Doomed
our sixth annual Tree-to-Toothpicks contest
I really keep meaning to take a year off from our "Christmas Tree" issue. But last weekend, when the tree was moved back to its original location in the middle of the intersection of Main and Oak, I knew this wasn't the year.
The Zionsville Downtown Merchants have created the Village's very own "Roundabout." Yes, it may be 12 feet tall, surrounded by blinking barricades and covered with red ribbons and twinkling lights. And yes, the speed limit may be 20 miles an hour... but after observing a Lincoln Navigator driver having an animated cell phone conversation as he brushed the branches, I am convinced that this is the year...it is doomed to destruction.
Guess the date and time of the Christmas Tree's inevitable demise and win a bottle of Dominus Napa Cabernet Blend 2003 — Wine Advocate 95 points — $118! Perfect for Christmas Dinner (in 2009)!
Here's how the contest works:
Send us an email with a day and time between now and December 24 that you think the tree will become a vehicular statistic and win your wine for Christmas dinner! The person coming closest to the correct date and time wins the wine. Or, come up with a really creative destruction scenario, like Brian Cox's "Night Before Christmas" piece from last year, and our "funny stuff committee" may award you the wine anyway.
And, there's a bonus! Correctly guess how the tree meets its end (or offer your own entertaining suggestion) and win a bottle of Duval-Leroy Brut Champagne $44 — Wine Spectator 93 points! Perfect for New Year's Eve!
Choose from these categories:
1. Indiana Pacer Stephen Jackson finally takes his Bentley to the Zionsville Bentley dealer to have the scratches repaired that he received in the parking lot of Club Rio. While waiting for Jamaal Tinsley to pick him up, he decides to have a beer at the Friendly Tavern. When he attempts to slip a dollar bill into the bartender's blouse, an altercation ensues. Running just ahead of the angry Friendly patrons, he leaps into the front seat of Jamaal's Bentley and screams... DRIVE! Which Jamaal does, head on into the Christmas tree. Odds 500 to 1
(But if we get pictures we can sell them to ESPN for a million bucks!)
2. The Red Hat "Galloping Grandmas," having enjoyed the "Fall Festival" parade so much, decide to return for the "Christmas in the Village" event. Unfortunately, Santa's reindeer are easily spooked by all the varieties of music, and Santa, the reindeer, the grandmas, and their horses all wind up tangled around the Christmas tree. The Downtown Merchants Association is bankrupted, paying for the ongoing therapy of the 126 traumatized pre-schoolers who witness the entire event. Odds 100 to 1
Not likely, but it would be quite a scene....
3. Backed into by a tour bus filled with ladies from Kokomo on a Holiday shopping excursion to quaint downtown Zionsville. Odds 20 to 1
If I'm lucky, it will distract them all from coming in looking for that wonderful pink wine whose name they can't remember that they tried last summer at a winery in Michigan.
4. Taken down by a Zionsville soccer mom driving an Escalade, filled with barking dogs and screaming children. Unable to hear anything on her cell phone, she looks over her shoulder to quiet the children and t-bones the Christmas tree. Odds 10 to 1
Think what 6,000 pounds of extra-large SUV could do to 16 feet of pine and twinkle lights....
5. Smacked by a 48-foot semi whose driver failed to understand the meaning of the words "No Trucks" on the signs lining Main Street, probably on his way to deliver cheese to us. Odds 5 to 1
If the semi doesn't get it, one of the honking drivers trying to get around him when he double parks will.
And, our all time top vote getter....
6. Four elderly ladies in a Mercury Marquis, going around the block for the fifth time after four failed parallel parking attempts. Odds - Even
Given the sheer numbers of them visiting the Village during the Holidays, this is my odds-on favorite.
Enter now. Just hit reply to sender and type the following:
I think the tree will be meet its demise on (month), (day) at (time) (am or pm), a victim of incident number (1,2,3,4,5,6) or (other).
Winners will be announced as soon as the incident occurs! In the case of a tie, winners will have to spend New Year's Eve together and share!
November 22, 2006